How to know your values

Values aren't something you create as much as they are something that already exists for you to find

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Like the north star.  You look up and sometimes it's too cloudy to spot it.  Sometimes you think you see it but you're not sure, there are SO many stars up there.  And then suddenly, you see it.  Right there.  Undoubtedly.  And it feels like relief.

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Even if it's been a while, the north star is still there.  Unchanging.  It's soothing, affirming, a through line even if everything else is shifting.

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(Side note: I'm not sure I've ever actually seen the north star.  But I still think the analogy works:)

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That's how it feels when you really know your values.  Not just what you like to do, but who you actually are.  Because values are mostly just the plain language we use to describe that gooey, nebulous, slightly woo concept that is the Self.

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When you know your values, you know yourself.  Exhale if needed 🌬️

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It doesn't mean you'll never feel lost.  But it makes the hard work of living an aligned life feel meaningful and grounded in something real.

 

The dinner party 🪑

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Here's the image I keep coming back to: your values are like guests at a dinner party.  This particular dinner party is as intimate as they come.  Like maybe just 5 or 6 guests, big enough to feel well-rounded, but small enough that you can hear from everyone.  Keeping that list small is harder than it sounds, especially when you have an abundance of lovely, important people in your life (don't even get me started on the grief that comes when you truly internalize that the guest list has a limit - we'll save that for another day).

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And yet, despite the small size, sometimes one guest takes over, talks too long, maybe they have something really tough they're going through that everyone else leans in to focus on.  They crowd everyone else out.  And sometimes a quieter guest gets forgotten entirely.  They've been sitting there trying to get your attention and you just... haven't noticed.

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This is one example of what it looks like when values fall out of alignment.  It's not always a dramatic breakdown, especially if you've already spent some time thinking about your values.

 

What it actually sounds like to listen to yourself 👂

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Here's something I've learned about intuition: it rarely sounds like a peaceful, meditative download.

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More often, it sounds like guilt.  Or confusion. Or a vague, persistent sense that something's off, even after you thought you'd resolved it.  These feelings aren't the verdict, they're information.  A quieter part of you has something to say.

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A few things that might actually be your values talking:

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• Guilt that shows up even when you haven't done anything wrong.  This is a signal that two things you care about deeply are bumping up against each other.  Not a sign you failed, a sign something important wants a seat at the table.

• A feeling that keeps coming back, even after you thought you put it to bed.  When something won't stay resolved, it usually means it hasn't been fully heard yet.

• A pull toward something, even when it's inconvenient, illogical, or outside forces are telling you, "not that."  That pull is worth trusting, too.  It doesn't always make sense right away.  But it's worth paying attention to.

 

Back to my dinner party 🍽️

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Recently I fell hard for a work project.  The kind that hits like a lightning strike and, suddenly, I'm  thinking about it in the shower, in the car, at dinner.  I loved it.  I also love my family, so deeply.

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But one afternoon, distracted and mid-thought, my daughter asked me to play and I snapped back a rejecting answer.  She cried.  I cried.  Classic.

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"I'm a terrible mother," came the thought.

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But that wasn't the verdict.  That was the signal.  A quieter part of me was tugging at my own pant leg.  My "work value" had been waiting its turn at the end of the table for a while, and was ready to come forward.  Not to replace my value in being a mother, but to sit next to it.  Take the seat back.

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It took almost a month before it all settled, before it felt like my values were in the right place and the party could flow again.  But it started with recognizing that the discomfort wasn't a problem to fix, it was data to follow.

 

Who belongs at your table? 🌟

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You have instincts on this.  The answers are already in you.  And when things feel off, it may just be because life got cloudy for a while and it got hard to spot your north star.

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Even the most attentive host loses the pulse of her own dinner party sometimes.  That's not a failure.  It's just a reason to look up, find your north star, and get everyone back to the table.